|
[24 Apr 2006|03:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
wow live journal.
|
|
| for my casedizzle |
[06 Jan 2004|11:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mandy moore brotha |
] |
so i got a request to keep my live journal up tonight from a special someone...hehe!! anyway i decided, ok so its the last 15 minutes of my birthday i should post one.
today was good, it really was. i had a damn good day i got to spend it with some of the coolest friends ive ever had in my life, minus one fellow whose out in florida right now but its cool cause he knows i love him and i know hes got love for me.
i didnt get to wear my eskimo boots today but ill show those bad boys tomorrow - dont u guys worry.....(those arent even half of my thoughts lately)
MY MIND IS SO UP IN THE AIR:
**translation**
its hard to keep thinkin about the same thing over and over again and not being able to get it to go away but i know that one day ill forget about it after time has gone by enough, then ill see it again and be reminded of its importance to me. but i wont go stressin out over it..ill go on lovin it and graspin it like its right now..which it is. it all is...
ill miss you, but for now your right here
you havent left your, your not gone
you never will be and neither will i
|
|
| "she made me so numb to so many emotions" |
[05 Jan 2004|09:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ben harper |
] |
i ask myself constantly what goes on in my head..but i know ill never be able to answer that question. im calm i love it
i dont like being away though from some things...its so hard but i deal with it every day of my life with a smile and with a few friends to cheer me up - ill never lie to you i swear.
ill never lie again
new years eve..hah that was an awesome night but im sure it could have been better...maybe if you were there
i can resist anything but temptation from you
|
|
|
[23 Dec 2003|12:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bob marley |
] |
oh my gosh im so tired.
i havent updated in a while, but i havent had much to say. my life has been a pain in my ass lately to much to deal with. so im backing away for a while and taking a mental vacation - if anyone wants to join its free, just give me a holla
i love u all (well except some of you)
|
|
|
[11 Nov 2003|01:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 high |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
im not really high ive just never used that emotion |
] |
im at school. school is for fools...no one reads this but that'd be badass if they did.
peace out Home Doggs
|
|
|
[25 Sep 2003|03:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 relieved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
finch, ender |
] |
its funny how it all turned out.
how we used to hang out and i loved it..now i trick myself into thinking i want to be your friend, then when i get around you id rather be vomiting. i offer myself out there to chill - shot down.
Fuck you im sick of it
|
|
| Does anybody remember back when you were very young. |
[09 Sep 2003|01:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
I am heaven sent.
Don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted.
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told.
I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems.
Shelter from cold.
We're never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth.
THEN ASK ME WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE MYSELF SO FIGURED OUT.
I WISH I KNEW.
I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are
with who ever they're there with.
This is war.
Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore.
I hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it's so hard to have someone to love.
And keeping quiet is hard.
Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't want to get caught.
We're consentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe...
in us.
Oh, were so contraversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth.
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down.
This is the way you wish your voice sounds.
Handsome and smart.
Oh, my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my HEART.
And it's all from watching TV.
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn't stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.
You're holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love. Oh, so let it go.
This is the craze only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the battle.
This is the closest of calls.
This is the reason you're alone.
This is the reason you fall.
I just wanna believe... in us.
|
|
|
[07 Sep 2003|10:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the scientist |
] |
it feels good to be this way
it feels soooo good
|
|
|
[01 Sep 2003|09:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 numb |
] |
ive always based my friendships on trust. im glad i know now that thats a good thing. i really dont even trust anyone at this point in time.
im just as done as anyone else would be with you
|
|
|
[30 Aug 2003|01:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mellow |
] |
dude
thats all i have to say
Dude!
|
|
|
[28 Aug 2003|12:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
too.....tired...must...sleep...church...good....going again...next week...ugghhha......raaaghhhahha....
|
|
| Id Always take the stroNgest bullet for you...if the pain cost me all my years |
[27 Aug 2003|05:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
at the drive in |
] |
its funny...reading back on old enteries, reading about my loving boyfriend and how im gonna miss him to death when he goes to college, or my sister, or my friends - its just weird. But i like it, i think the change of everything is good. its good to read over old enteries cause then you get reminded of certain things and times where you were incredibly happy. me being "numb"..i dont really feel that "AHH I REMEMBER THAT AND IT WAS AWESOME" but i can still say, that time was cooooooooooool or that time suuuuuuuuuuuucked! but hey, whatever.
tonight im going to my dads to talk about me graduating this year, i think its crazy but the more i think about being in highschool one more year, the more i think about how i really really REALLY dont wanna do it! not even a little, not even the slightest. i want to take shit so i can graduate, and go to TCC and get stuff done then GET OUT OF HERE. i wanna go to colorado..or california..or something and just Chill for a while..but i dont think thats gonna happen..itd be badass though.
im starting to realize that ive gotten to this point in my life where i know who my true friends are from my..not so true friends. Then again..i dont have many/any true friends so therefor its hard to understand that.hmm well im gonna go..ill check back later about the Graduating early buisness...boooya
|
|
| ill only listen once |
[26 Aug 2003|10:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
|
|
| numb but good |
[26 Aug 2003|04:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jap |
] |
Today, boy..today - was weird actually. i didnt think as much as i did yesterday, but its cool. I have a feeling that for a while my livejournal is going to be pretty consistant but thats only because i dont have much else to do with my time - besides homework that i actually should be doing right now. No ones gonna read this, and i really dont care but im just gonna type my heart out cause i like it!
i used to be really against live journals, but i decided that if i dont say anything bad about anything or anyone, i cant do any harm so..i dig it.
today i woke up really early, crying, from that dream that you can read below..it was weird. then i went back to sleep. but when i got up, i felt good. i seem to always feel good when i wake up now..i am staying in this good feeling pretty consistantly lately - that word again. i dont know if i can really feel any other way right now..its a good-ness feeling i cant say ive ever really felt before. Im attracted to it..
today i went the whole day without seeing this one person that i keep wanting to see...i wish they'd just appear around the corner...but they never did. Then at the end of 7th period, i walked downstairs and over to where they usually are and...There they were! just as peachy as can be. i got a big hug and a "hey ive been looking for you all day" thing..it put a big smile on my face but i still didnt feel any happier then my 'good feeling'. its nice to know someones been looking for me all day..i was looking for them too..hehehehe how quaint. i dont really know what else to say right now, ill probably have more later so ill just type then...
|
|
| just a note for ian if he ever reads |
[26 Aug 2003|04:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
dreams scare me and i cant sleep ===
ian - i just woke up from a dream i had crying. i didnt start crying i just woke up crying. it was the saddest dream and it had you in it and you died - stay safe while we're apart. please just stay safe, if i lost you while you were gone that'd be ten times worse then anything in this world.
|
|
| missed you by the door |
[25 Aug 2003|08:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 rejuvenated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ben harper |
] |
today when i was at school, even though thats a place where you are suppose to go to be doing school stuff it ended up that i thought about everything else but school - i got my work done though. (im sweet like that) i got clear thoughts though, you know like the best kind of realization thoughts ever. i figured out that i know a 'centered' person, and thats badass because i realized why my relaxation feeling was perfect with them. its like, as soon as i have some sort of contact with them all my troubles are like temporarily gone and it feels good. its almost like hes a drug i dont have to take, a drink i dont have to drink...its just better then any sort of high (well i can only imagine) i can only imagine that a completely balanced feeling is better then any high. its like happiness, but not just regular happiness but like PURE happiness...ahhhh :o)
i figured out other things today, how i have a good way to resist ( i gave in but i know im not gonna do it again) i feel more confident with myself, i feel good. i feel good and i sort of feel free - kind of like a bird flying for the first time. my wings are sooo starting to heal again and just push out and im going so high...up up up! im crazy, but i feel good. i feel really good...really damn good.
but i think i feel good because i feel so numb. i remembered a conversation i had with someone once and they told me that a certain person made them feel numb to a lot of feelings and emotions - thats how i feel. but i like the feeling of 'numb' its good. i dont have to worry about temptation...but i do. and im dealing with it right now from two different sources...actually 3 but the third one doesnt count. temptation is a hard thing to handle but im so far dealing with it..i used to give in real bad but im becoming this crazy strong person i didnt know i had living inside of me. im branching out, im growing up and i Love it.
so far ive really liked my mistakes. ill never regret any of it either, because thats just living in the here and now..and nothings better then that...nothing!
|
|
| all you heard was a click, my real last words were goodnight |
[24 Aug 2003|10:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
japancakes |
] |
i had a dream that i kept getting shot, and shot over and over again. it was really like the weirdest dream i have ever had before in my life - then i realized it was reality.
each time i got shot, i would get up and keep going, id keep moving, id keep living. the first time it hurt, but the second, third..so on, it started to feel good. when i woke up, i didnt feel as good as i did in the dream, but i felt like my life was never ending, and that felt good.
im still at that crossroad, not so much a crossroad, its more like a fork. im at a fork in this road of life, and theres a bench that ive been sitting at for a while...im still a little cut off from everyone, but i think im gonna get up from that bench now and keep moving, and knowing that feels good too.
------------------
it still hangs at my heart, i can feel you there
when i need someone, i have it
its my show of independence
my show of my strength
I love you
|
|
| he never made it easy |
[21 Aug 2003|05:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i will run away |
] |
so today i talked to someone the phone for about 15 minutes, and it made me think many things. i think the major thing it made me think was, why did i ever forgive him....when someone does something terrible to you, how can you ever trust that they wont do it again?
well i forgave him because i didnt want to hold a grudge forever, and i still dont but i dont understand why he has to be the way he has. hes terribly selfish, and constantly trying to make sure that i know hes right..i feel like an idiot half the time when im around him. our relationship was really messed up, it always had been...our friendship or whatever you can call this is still messed up. no one deserves to be treated the way that he treats me - but its only because im his x girlfriend. im sure that if it was someone else, any other girl..itd be a different story. i dont look at him as my x, i dont really look at him as anything. what hes going through is what im going through, but he always manages to find a way to run away from his problems.
Always has...Always will.
ill never regret anything, but i want to regret forgiveness. my life was easier
|
|
| My tears are just inviting the change |
[20 Aug 2003|05:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence |
] |
it seems as though 2 times today i cried serious tears. i never once thought that people going to college would effect me the way that it did..maybe its not so much that they're leaving..but they way they left.
this morning i gave my sister a hug goodbye, and i fought the tears..then my mom took a picture of me and her being stupid (3 pictures actually) and i was still ok..then she gave me another hug and as i started to walk away, i just started crying. i couldnt hold it in i was gonna miss her, i just didnt want anyone to know.
then today at 530, a friend stopped by and we pretty much didnt speak for an hour..but he gave me something that meant something to him, and as soon as i said 'goodbye for a while' and shut the door..tears immidiatly rushed to my eyes. for the last few days ive sorta been waiting on today to come..to seperate my bond with him and it came and i wasnt expecting to get like this. i didnt think id cry, honestly..but i did, and i am.
Everything happens for a reason, and i dont regret anything that happened this summer. i keep him and my sister close to my heart, along with a few others. they'll always be there, no matter what ill always have them. Its my offical first step into my own 'pre-reality' which has been so longly awaited for almost my entire life.
For you, i want to say Thank you for being there and being my sister.
And to you, Thank you for being my relaxation
i drew a picture that came from my heart..and i gave it away. its a memory ill never forget..a picture that ill never forget.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
eerb281's journal